Thursday, November 21, 2002

The Bachelor, The Victoria's Secret Show, and Ice Hockey

I normally do not watch much TV, a little news, ice hockey, and the occasional NASCAR race on Sunday. I watch no TV series, but there was so much hype about these two shows, I tuned in for a few minutes of "The Bachelor ", then flipped to Victoria's underwear show. My friends always say, well you must watch football, but I can't watch the NFL; it is essentially a string of commercials interrupted by the occasional play. I tried to watch the Atlanta Falcons a few Sundays ago, and the sequence went like this:

Three plays, a punt, a punt return, then
A commercial time out
With four seconds to go on the quarter, one play was run, then
A commercial time out
Two Plays, a punt, a punt return, then
A commercial timeout

Now that is a riveting sports event. But with regard to "The Bachelor", I must say I am speechless. H L Mencken once said, " no one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public", but this show truly represents the shallow end of the gene pool. If these two ladies are the finalists, we must have started with 25 Darwin Award candidates. The show is cotton candy, it melts before it is consumed, it is the food equivalent of empty calories. The only difference between this show and a test pattern is this show had sound.

I quickly went to the underwear show, and I have to admit, I don't get it. Yes, the women are beautiful, and the clothes are skimpy, but what is with the wings? It was antiseptically sexy. And besides, it is so hard to hold a TV with one hand, and that always worked with the catalogue. So, I moved on to ice hockey.

But even for the ice hockey guys, I have a complaint. Who made the decision that as a big play is made at the net, and the players are in a scrum, or crashing into the boards, or trying to recover from the rush to the net, we have to watch the goalie, ( who has a full face mask on anyway ) skate in ever decreasing concentric circles. Who said that was entertainment?

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

What Would Jesus Drive?

I read today that a religious group was going to contact automobile manufacturers, run some ads, and raise the question; what would Jesus drive it he were alive today? The group would like us to believe that Jesus would eschew SUVs and the like to save the environment. I would like to have a little more intellectual honesty and really look at the alternatives.

First, it is quite possible he may not drive at all. The few times that I have seen Billy Graham, or Jerry Falwell, or Pat Robertson, they were in limousines. I would have to assume that Jesus is at least as good as these guys, so maybe a limo is the most likely vehicle.

Second, probably an E class Mercedes. Almost all the bishops and ministers of the big time churches drive Mercedes. I once met with a group of church bishops and after the meeting as I wandered to my car, I thought I had time warped to a Mercedes automobile dealership. Those TV preachers drive pretty fancy cars too.

Third, and if we want to get literal, I would guess he would drive a pickup truck, maybe even a four wheel drive truck. He was a young man, lived in a rural area, and was a carpenter. A pickup truck would be the ideal vehicle, heck, he could even stand in the truck bed the and preach. Four wheel drive would come in handy during those rainstorms, droughts and other episodes that are so famous. I guess the decal with the little boy relieving hinself wouldn't be appropriate though.

This group might want to be careful what it asks for.

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Monday, November 18, 2002

The Election

It has been almost two weeks since the election and I have delayed writing about it since I wanted to see how I really felt. While I was deliriously happy the morning after (almost like waking up in a strange bed and glancing over and discovering that your final selection as a partner wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it might be ), I must say the elation has been turning into the same old same old. In the end we elected politicians. The first thing they did was vote themselves a raise, although I yet to talk to anyone who believes they have earned one. Immediately Daschle started whining, assuming Trent Lott's role ( Mr Lott is an official member of the Olympic All Whining Team ), and most Republicans are desperately trying to look humble. The word mandate is allowed to slip out occassionally, but more as a test than a conviction.

I have listened to the pundits and experts; they were hesitant to predict the outcome just prior to the election, and they seem equally timid in telling why the election turned out as it did. The turnout was light, the democratic base wasn't energized, terrorism was the number one concern, the democrats lost the suburbs, and other analyses are so tepid that their new motto should be "dare to be tentative."

When the Republicans won in 1994, they forgot their principles, but remembered how to be snotty, acting like a school yard bully at every chance. But as I look at the current group, I am reminded of Jeff Foxworthy's " you might be a redneck if" So, for future politicians here is, "you might be a politician if ":

You are a good looking guy, but not good looking enough to be in Hollywood or host the local news.
You can speak well, ( subjects and verbs in correct tenses and all that ) but you are so boring, your spouse falls asleep while talking to you during dinner.
You have principles, and they guide you in every day life; well at least they give you a general direction, but you can quickly have amnesia about those principles as needed.
You were voted " best blow dry hairdo" at least once while in school
You can say the word "people " with conviction, and you can say it without spitting ( defined as releasing a slight mist with the first "P" of people ). Phrases like I will work for the people, this is a victory for the people, the American people have a right to know, must be delivered dryly.
You can smile under any circumstances, even if you were sitting on a cactus with the worst case of diarrhea in the world, your lips never touch.
You are attracted to TV cameras like a moth to light, the camera light goes on and you assume all the hovering qualities of a good, garden variety moth.
You never use a big word when a more diminutive one will do.

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